Sweet Jesus it's him!!!

Dear mother of fuck.....I would plow that mother fucker's field like a slave worker!!! It brings back memories of having seen them. I was actually rocked to the point of being uncomfortable. It was super nuts. One of the more beautiful experiences in my entire life.

I just had to share that with all the parties that still look at this madness. Enjoy, weirdos.

The simple things
For some reason, all I want at this point is back scratches, a stuffed Gonzo from the Muppet Babies, and possibly a pet squid. I would totally settle for a stuffed squid, though. This is what KMFDM does to my brain at 10 am. Aren't we all just fucking children looking for our fucking toys at some point?! Doesn't that just make the world our playground? Maybe we should go to the sandbox and kick out all the other snotty kids and make our own damned sandcastle and declare the whole thing our kingdom?!?

We could invite Princess Peach and that little mewling shit Toad. Mario and Luigi could serve us all drinks, since they are blue collar slaves anyway. Samus could be our security officer for the kingdom. I would make Link the blacksmith. Zelda could be the court jester/stripper for entertainment.

These are just a few of my favorite things....

The guy from the hamburger train, right?!
So, it's been a long, strange journey. 5 years later, I'm done. Free. to do as I please. It feels strange. I don't know where to go. once you've had that freedom limited, then you truly know what it's like to be fucked. Now, I have to decided what kind of grown up I shall be. Within the confines of me being considered an "adult" anyways. That's still a hard one to swallow. Grown up...what the fuck does that really mean?! I'm just trying to carve out my own small, comfy existence. I don't want or need all that much. Just a few creature comforts. I know I need a stable job, but where the shit does that come from? Buy the ticket, uhhh, take the ride, I guess.
We recently got Hughes.net. The interwebs at my fingertips! Mostly, I just wanted to play my 360 out here in the sticks. It's kind of funny and beautiful all at once. I'm still working out the lag issues, but I'm confident that it will be ok, in the end. At least I can play games online and download stuff. Today will be a Starcraft 2 kind of day, I can feel it.
My heart goes out to Juju and Liz for all that may be going bonkers in their life. It seems to be a never ending stream of shit that just swirls around and land either at their feet or on their fucking heads. I shall be here if you guys need me to be a good friend. Any of my friends, really. I'm trying to go at this grown up thing as much as I can. Thanks for being their for me when I fucked it up, and for the times when it was truly awesome. You guys are fucking amazing.

Sailin' On
It's been a while..The internet is an elusive, and crafty whore out here. Lots of madness and joy and weirdness has transpired. In the hindsight, I feel more like a real person all the time. I obviously still have work to do, but there is no end. It is a work of art that will never be finished being painted. The constant desire to not turn back into the old me.
In recent happenings, there was a shit storm with one of my closest and dearest friends, that made me see more about the empty spaces in my head. What I think I'm on top of, and what I don't have perspective on. I'm on it now, without selling my nature short. I think we have a better understanding of what makes us tick and how we are actually useful to each other still. Again, it's all a process, but I'm willing to try. Even for no other reason because it's about fucking time.
On the other fucking hand, I had a bit of madness with 2/3 of my triumvirate. It was totally fucking odd. It's like a doll turning into a grim reaper. Fucked with my head bad. I'm used to playing the vengeful asshole, not other people. So, the night it happened, I was just trying to have a fun conversation and get shit out on the table, that deteriorated into crying, half ass raised voices, and utter confusion. Then, a few days later, after I had talked to said parties, I had figured out what had actually happened. Then, got to play mediator a few days later, in which, I felt fucking useful. Which is good. It's nice to know I speak my friends language. Sometimes, even help them speak to other people. I try to give my self credit. But sometimes, I need to be assured that I truly, really fucking know my friends better than most people. Like I've got death star schematics of their goddamned brains! There are some things that I miss obviously. But, I know how the fucker is built.
Also, helped a friend move and mentally transition, to some degree, to the new surroundings. And was in turn rewarded with booze, games and yummy fucking food. Playing therapist is fucking great when progress is made. And, I'm fucking cheap and don't pull punches. I actually feel helpful to my friends now instead of a fucking emotional crisis waiting to happen. Hopefully that's not just wishful thinking.Sometimes I question my perspective. I wonder if it's just what I want to hear or think, and not what's actually really fucking happening. Reinforcement, for all yous guys reading. Help me, help the Snook.
Let's just say that on the job front, it's been a bag of rancid, festering assholes. Like lots of people, I keep getting laid off. I'm finding it very hard to keep putting myself out there as a good worker, and having it mocked and terminated. As they say, sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, the bear eats you. Oh well, I guess it frees more time for Skyrim and Lollipop Chainsaw. *grins* Things are pretty goddamned stellar, regardless. I'm trying and that's a good thing.
By the way, tonight will be pretty fucking epic! I'm planning on wonderful fucking fun.

(no subject)
I know we don't talk much anymore, but I feel the need to broach the subject. It's something that I would gladly tell you to your face, but we don't see each other anymore. Which I don't hold against you. All I care about is that you're happy. Having said that, I miss you everyday. It's hard not to have my best friends and the only other person that may get my god damned brain. For better or worse, that person is you.
I know this may all seem out of nowhere, and sudden. Possibly feel a little "too little, too late"-ish. I get that. I just felt the need to get it out there.
First off, I'm sorry. Sorry for not noticing things sooner. For not being able to read you the way I know I can. Sorry for choosing another over you, while you were still there the whole time. I need you to know, that you're worthy of being chosen. You're amazing and a great compliment to me and my madness. Sorry for not being grown up at a time when you needed that most. For complicating matters but being all weird and psuedo-neutral. For making you choose, when you had no idea what to do. Sorry for being unable to be more like a human being, even though, I suspect that's one of the things you love about me...sometimes. Sorry, also, that I lost your earring to Metallica.
Secondly, thank you. Thank you for being there while my life was going all weird. Thank you for letting me show you that being a drunk isn't a terrible thing. That you can mix booze and happiness, in a positive way. Thank you for letting me in. That one may be the biggest thank you. What I found in you was damaged and beautiful and insecure and awesome and funny. It made me feel like I had found my female twin. You were able to take hours and hours on the phone and not bat an eye. To be able to handle all that I threw at you was pretty impressive. Thanks for helping me when I was ready to burn down Taco Bell and kill everyone in the store. Thank you for helping me to bring another person into the fold. You're one of the last persons I thought would end up in the inner circle. But, it's pretty awesome.
I don't know what affect all this will have, but I'm hoping that it makes you feel good to hear it. I should have said this to you, but, life doesn't always allow for that luxury. It needed to be said, and I'm hoping that we can talk about it, at some later date. For now, good luck in the things that you're trying to do with your life. This isn't a good bye, rather a statement declaring, that I will never give up or go away. I'm always going to be here and nothing can stop me from being there for you. I love you, and I always will. Never forget that. If this didn't help, I'm sorry for that too. Just had to get it out of my head. Thanks for taking the time to read my craziness.

Everyone likes a quickie
So, since the last few posts, here's the skinny: Got a new job, again...This one seems to be almost all that I want. I get to smoke at the machine I work at. I get to listen to the Ipod, and no one bothers me about it. It's 1st shift, 7-3pm. I get paid weekly, though sadly, I'm back to $8.50 an hr. All in all, it's pretty much the perfect job. Now having said that, I will surely loose it. Just wanted to let people know that, at one point and time, I did have a job that was pretty fucking awesome. Only thing I don't dig about it, is that I only get 15 mins for lunch. Which I think is pretty damned odd, but whatevers. I need money and something to sustain my life.
On a HUUUUUUUGE side note, I bought a copy of Diablo 3, and CAN'T PLAY THE MOTHER FUCKER!!!! Blizzard decided in their infinite wisdom that, in order to control hackers, it should be online, all the god damned time! Even with the single player, which, usually means just you sitting on your ass and vegging out to the game, has to now be online to do anything. I shall not rant about this, as I'm sure all of you are loving this. Just annoyed that I now how 2 Blizzard products which are the most expensive and prettiest fucking paper weights known to man currently. *sighs* Fucking Blizzard.
Also, the defective piece of shit, money pit that I call my car is one step closer to being just a expensive piece of shit. It runs now without the "rusty robots fucking" noise that I, and I'm sure whoever was around me, was so thoroughly disturbed by. Life goes on. Hope you guys are well, whoever still reads this shit rag.
One last thing....I have this theory that John Lennon was killed by the government like JFK. I'm gonna need someone to look into this for me, and make me feel a little less insane. What is past is prologue. Get to work, gum shoes!!

All this shit, blood and cum on my hands...
So, this is more of a broadcast than an update. I'm working some new tarded ass job, and it's a factory. Blah blah. Whatever. Lots of rednecks and random, half ass attractive chicks. Still kind of hiding out when it comes to talking and whatnot. Can't find anyone to relate to as well as previous jobs.
Anywho, so I'm in the bathroom at work, and we can smoke in there. So, it's become the unofficial place to hide out and smoke one without getting busted by narc ass mother fuckers. Like any other bathroom in most factories, the geniuses that take a constitutional feel the need to pimp their favorite team, bitch about the union, call ladies in HR whores/easy/a place they want to put their penis, etc. So as I'm sitting there and not pooping, I'm reading shit on the walls and realizing what I'm in for when I do decide to talk to people. The apes have even taken to writing on the large rolls of industrial toilet paper. "Martin Rea Sanitation Dept.: "We're here for your rear."" Whaa whaa whaa....Anyfuckinways. I happen to look down and see a broken toilet paper dispenser lodged between the bottom of the toilet and the wall. Why it's still there is beyond me. So, just for defecations and laughter, I pick up the roll to see if there's anything written on it. And, indeed ladies and gentlemen there is.
*pauses for dramatic effect*
Written in nice, even hand writing is : "Canadians like pretty shoes and ass fucking."
It has become a champion among sentences. It will/has now replaced any random statement I could make when I'm drunk. Expect to hear this many times in the near future. Like I said, more of a statement. Other than that, work, sleep, Xbox, finishing books, starting new ones. I just felt that anyone that reads this shit rag should know that this was written down on a real object. So, until more shenanegans ensue, this is life as I know it.

I've outgrown that fucking lullaby
So, the last fews days have just been weird as shit. Friday was just an odd amalgam of strange goings on and shitty experiences. Most people I had contact with had something weird, or out of place happen. I don't get it sometimes, but that's pretty on par for me. I haven't updated in a bit, so there's lots of ground to cover, which I will not try to do. Suffice to say that shitty things have happened. Awesome, mind blowing things have happen. Some of it was just average, everyday bullshit. Work, money problems, random friend stuff, movies, music, technology, problems with business deals, problems with people, mother fucking etc.

I'm about to go see The Avengers. I hoping that it's not a mad waste of time. Time will only tell. Also, and I don't know how this is relative, but my brain's telling me that it is. I've made a more staunch commitment to myself to fight mental, emotional, and everyday types of oppression. It just seems to be on my brain a lot lately. Lots of opportunities to help people with the subtle bits of mental programming that they tend to receive out there in the "real world." I just see a lot of people with these mental shackles, and from where the come from, I do not know. I don't see anyone suffering, but I don't think they know that there are other ways of looking at things. It's not a mission statement, just something I feel like I need to spend more time with. Just to give everyone an idea of the type of torturing shit that my brain lobs at me on almost an hourly basis.

/End Rant..Also, I need to make more time for people that may be lacking in my life. Schedules are a lot of the problem, but that doesn't mean the effort can't be noted. All those that feel left behind, or at least not as much as much attention is coming their way, not to worry. A solution is in the works. Well, a solution from my brain, so that pretty much ensures that it will be some twisted form of compromise. Which, I don't think you guys would have it any other way, and my impulses wouldn't let me give it out in any other way.

Being playing lots of L.A. Noir, Doom (yeah, the old one), reading a book about Id software and those cats, The Watchmen, Marvel 1985, Crossed (Highly recommended!!), and catching up on random old skool habits. More to come as the world inches closer to the release of Diablo 3. Seriously, trying to balance my life and social structure around D3 is gonna be a mother fucking task...I will keep all my nerd juices from leaking out on this thing about my disbelief and overload fucking excitement about this thing that will ruin my life and possibly every fucking thing that I love. And P.S. the other fucked up angle to this story is that I haven't even started playing Skyrim yet...*long sigh* Well shall see.

P.P.S. Game of Thrones, you better be ready when I come for your ass and devour you whole, because the bell tolls for thee.

What is this that stands before me?
Where the fuck do I start?!? So many fucking things have happened, and I've been sorely fucking remiss on reporting...Having said that, I've found a new fucking zest for life. I have a lot of reasons for not so much liking life, but fuck that shit! It's awesome. Experiences that I've in the past few weeks have proven to me that there's beauty in every fucking situation. It amazes me how even the shitty stuff, or hurtful stuff doesn't even seem so bad when you look at it from another angle....

Seeing TMBG, was like another religious experience...Just every fucking thing I wanted out of the night. Made a little bit of a reconnect with someone I figured was in the fuck Will forever group. That's a large group from my understanding. Whatever. I can't be the hero or center of anything anymore. Too much shit to do. Wish there was more time for Liz and Julie to talk about how fucked up I am and swap war stories. Just to be a fly on the wall for a talk like that....I'm a glutton for punishment I guess.

Hanging out with April, getting drunk, rocking out to AFI and throwing each other around. Fucking amazing. What ever fucking moron said something about a semi-charmed life can lick Satan's beautiful, red taint. It's these wonderful moments of connecting of something that you love that make people awesome. Well, some people. Most of them can go fuck off and die, but I've so far collected a fairly motley (and wonderful) crue of people that help me understand my own crazy and the rest of the world on a daily basis. Whether or not I always say it, or they even fucking know it, there very presence in my life gets me through the day without playing in traffic with a blindfold on...Thank you to Julie, April, Brian , Doc, Liz, and those that haven't given up on this poor drunk, fucking pervert. I will do anything for you guys. Till I die.

Sooooo, Allen's wedding.....Yeah, that one will go down in my heart forever. Just a damned wonderful, special fucking night. I talked to Patrick (right?!?!) for like an hour about comics, and video games. Jimmy Leo was there, and so was Bill. We, of course, discussed the Creative Whack Pack. Those dudes will never let me live down "no seat belt, poop car" like, fucking ever. I mean, I guess it's too close for me to have a positive opinion of the retardation that it brings to the table....I'm glad that others enjoy it, but it's just so damned embarrassing for me. But hey, whatever. Daniel Mohler was there, and Phil too. (BTW, Julie, since Daniel is married, you can totally meet him now...I kid) We had many a drunken moments, and played some guitar....We listened to Slayer, Lady Sovereign, Django Rheinhardt, Elvis Costello, Styx, Bad Religion, and much more. Jessie Cheek was there, and Biagi, and Allen's sister. Dammit all to hell, it was the first time we had all been in the same fucking place in at least 10 years. And we were all plastered, and everyone, and I totally mean everyone, fell down. It was such an epic night, that I woke up on the floor, with Meghan wearing a tiara, next to Allen, who I was on the other side of, and his dog, Elwood, had his ass in my face. Then, Meghan's sisters husband walked in with like 2 dozen Dunkin Donuts....Fucking one for the history books.

I'm trying to be in good spirits about things. And I really don't have any trouble in that department. But this job shit has to change. I got to get something that doesn't make me feel so much like I'm fucking 20. Just constantly being broke is the worst. I'm too damned old for this shit. Too damned sharp, and capable. But that doesn't matter in the real world, obviously. As it seems that any fucking bag of shit can propel himself to a good place in the world. I guess I lack the matter of truly, sincerely applying myself. I'm almost lethally fucking lazy. Gotta get on that shit.

And just for pure scale, I found out that this house, which we've been in for, like 22 years, will be gone soon. As in, probably next year or so. That burns in my heart in a way that I fucking can't state. But, again, life changes, just hope I'm adept enough to catch it when it fly by me. I think I am. Regardless, I'm good as I can be. I'm loving life right now, and I have tons of reasons not to. Just amazed how many wonderful things you can cram into a day, or a week. Even with arguments, shitty conversations, and reflecting on things that aren't necessarily flattering to me or the people involved, I'm still pretty fucking grateful that I'm where I am. Maybe this is just my own special brand of crazy, but I'd like to think it comes from a more clear place. Things could always be WAAAAAY worse. I'm truly doing ok. And for that, praise be to our dark lord Satan. For he watches over us, from down below.

P.S. Thank you Mr. Show for being so wonderful

Beauty and Stupid
In the last few days, I have come to realize many a things....One being that I'm still like 6 years old inside. In a way that doesn't make me feel too awfully retarded. More in the vein of I"m enjoying all sorts of small things, and feeling somewhat stable. Even though I know I'm decidedly not. The next is that some things never go away. Things that I thought I had sullied, ruined, fucked over backwards twice, have taken a turn for the better. Actually, they, for my part, we more neutral from the beginning than I thought possible. Seeing a person, who I care dearly for in a new light, while retaining that same inner fucking awesome, is a thing of beauty.

Speaking of beauty, other events of the past weekend have caused me to feel satisfied, overwhelmed, sleepy, stupid, cared about, blushy, a feeling of something a long time coming, lazy, drunk and just pretty much awesome. 3 mostly solid days of feelings and experiences have got my mind working on overtime to catch up and try to enjoy myself more. Simplicity can be wonderful, but I do miss being perambulatory. The world may not be passing me by in any true sense, but I used to be so much more out going. I'm getting to be a troglodyte in my old age. Albeit, a very loquacious troglodyte. Hee, that's totally a band name. I digress. Yeah, out more. Set controls for the heart of the sun.

The search for a car continues. Nothing on the horizon at the moment. Fucking fuck. Craigslist and the internet aren't helping to awfully much right now. In the respect, anyways. I need something like a Taurus, or maybe another Escort. Anything that runs and isn't a whore for gas, really. Being without a car is one thing. But, being stuck out here without a car, and not wanting to beg my friends to do the lifting in this situation is hard as shit. I mean, I know my friends are there for me, but, I'm too proud and shy (lol, me shy?!?!) to ask them to help me. I know they all gladly would, but, it's weighs too much on my brain and heart.

Finally, I would like to say that Taco Johns is FUCKING AWESOME!!! I totally held out for it today, and it was like a couple of cookies after and delicious meal. I got some potentially good news and was feeling decent. Taco Johns was so damned tasty that I purchased 3 more, in addition to the 3 I had just fucking slayed, to take home with me and enjoy tomorrow. I shall gush over 2 tacos then, when I, again, will bring about yummy armageddon to 2 very unsuspecting soft tacos. The prophets will speak of my unrelenting pursuit in the total destruction of soft taco-kind. They will make moral lessons about the use of sauce packets that don't talk, or try to hit on me. Possibly, dare I say, should begin construct on a shrine to commemorate the day in which all tasty, yet unhealthy, Mexican inspired foods all collectively shuddered and bowed their cheesy heads in remembrance of the near destruction of their scrumptiously consumable race.

It's been a good day tater...


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